Adventures of an Adrenaline Junkie

My mind is made up...I'm going to jump out of an airplane. I have never, EVER felt the need to jump out of an airplane before, but life changes, and I HAVE to do this.  Sometime in the year 2011, my best friend and I will do this.  I will probably pee my pants while skydiving, but I WILL do this.  I NEED to do this.

Why???  I'm not even sure why.  Since my life has changed, since my marriage fell apart, I have felt the need to do things that I haven't done in a very long time.  I need physical challenges...big time.  I feel better when I challenge myself physically and succeed.

I've softened over the years. I've lost touch with who I used to be.  In some respects, I've grown and matured a lot.  I have no regrets, but as I have navigated my way through divorce, I am rediscovering myself and who I am.  I used to have a fire in me.  Trust me, the fact that some of that has softened is a good thing.  But I've lost touch with that adventurous part of myself over the years, and in some respects, I have changed. 

Sometimes, change is good, but I think losing oneself isn't.  I'm not talking about, "I'm so tired, I don't know my name" kind of losing oneself.  Or, "I have no idea what day of the week it is" kind of losing oneself.  I'm talking about the deeper, sadder kind.  The kind of losing oneself where a part of you dies.

Before I was married, I was the extreme-mountain-bike-riding, double-diamond-mogul-skiing, no holds barred kind of girl.  I was working, going to college, and attending the police cadet academy--all at the same time.  I got to work out with and do training exercises with the SWAT team.  I knew my way around a firing range.  I mountain biked, skied, and hiked fourteeners.  I changed my own oil and spark plugs.  I could change a tire in no time flat--and not break a nail.  There was nothing I couldn't do.  When I got married, I owned the tool box.

I'm not saying I was a guy.  I was still pretty girly.  I was just very, very capable.  I've been a very independent person since I could walk and talk.  But...I like to dress up.  I like to shop.  I like to have tea parties with my girls.  And quite frankly, when life is getting you down, there is nothing that can make a girl feel better than a killer pair of new shoes and a pint of Haagen Dazs Chocolate Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.

After I got married, I grew in my faith.  I took a bible study in Biblical Femininity and embraced the unique and beautiful way that God created woman.  I learned that I needed to step back a little bit and leave some room for my new husband to lead.  I was used to doing everything on my own, and I was quite good at it, but then there were two of us.  God created man to lead his family, not for his wife to push him out of the way and do it all. 

Over the past 15 years, I spent 27 months of it pregnant and 29 months of it nursing my babies.  I spent close to a year of it sitting in hospitals with all three of my sick kids.  I cooked, cleaned, homeschooled and managed a home.  I volunteered at church.  But sadly, I forgot how to take time for myself.  I married a person who didn't like to hike, bike or ski--and he really didn't like firearms.  I started denying that part of myself, and reinventing myself into something that fit in this different box.

When my marriage fell apart, I didn't know who I was anymore...

I had sold my mountain bike.  I realized that I hadn't skied in 16 years, and I couldn't remember the last time I went hiking.  To combat some of the horrible emotions I was going through, I turned to the mountains.  When I started hiking, it was like I could breathe again.  I couldn't wait for my next opportunity to get there.

But, just run-of-the-mill hiking wasn't enough.  Sometimes, I would put my little one in the stroller and think to myself, "How long can I walk before my body gives out?".  I needed to push myself harder each time.  I would hike 9 miles...then go shopping.  Research shows that the brain waves of someone who is relaxing or daydreaming are the same as those of someone who is hiking.  It makes us feel good--and I could use a little bit more of that.

What I have found is that the more I push myself physically, the better I feel. 

I love the challenge!!!

The reality is that divorce is sometimes called "Crazy Time" for a reason.  I know people who have gotten tattoos, gone to bars to drink away their sorrows, and slept with anyone who moved.  Men buy motorcycles...women buy everything.  I can honestly say, that's not me.  Those options would make me feel worse as a person--not better.

For now, it's all about the adrenaline rush.  I am going to jump out of an airplane.  I used to hate roller coasters.  Now, I will conquer each one out there.  I will ski moguls again.  Fourteeners???  Bring it on!  Sometimes, a person needs to do things that make them feel alive again, and there is nothing better than adrenaline to do the job.   Crazy?  Maybe...but there is no better encouragement to a single mom than knowing you can conquer mountains all by yourself, because the reality for me is that I walk this path alone.  Alone is not bad, just daunting sometimes.  I have to keep going...I have three kids, all with unique personalities and challenges, who are relying on me.  Knowing that I can face personal physical challenges and succeed fills my tank and keeps me going.  It is the encouragement I need to show myself that I can do anything, in spite of the lemons life hands me at times.