2010 Draws to an End

I will probably get flack for this post.  I usually try to keep things very positive.  Can I tell you how many people over the last two years have told me how inspiring I am?  If I had a dollar for every time someone has said that, I could pay my January mortgage with the proceeds.  There are times, like now, where I wish I could inspire myself.

The reality is that this has been a dog crap year.

OK, let me focus on the positive.  AnnaSophia is healthy and showing no signs of rejection.  Ethan and Emily are doing well in school.  Ethan even made the honor roll.  This is Emily's first full year in school after being home schooled, and she is doing really well too.  I have been able to keep some stability in the children's lives by being able to stay in our family home for now.  My dog loves me.  I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends who have been very supportive this year.  I have seen our Mended Little Hearts of Colorado Springs group take off and become an important presence in our community.  I have been able to volunteer with the American Heart Association and help make the Heart Heroes Gallery possible.

Then, there is the weight of the world that I carry on my shoulders daily. 

I'm going through a D-I-V-O-R-C-E. 

Can I be frank here?  Divorce sucks.  It rocks your world.  I have felt like I have had the rug pulled out from underneath of me, and I'm free falling through life.  It hurts people emotionally, physically and financially.  Most of all it hurts children.  It's one thing for people without children to deal with all of the garbage associated with the death of a marriage.  It's devastating to see the effects of it on my children.  When they hurt, I hurt.  I carry that hurt every waking and sleeping moment. 

I don't sleep--at least not much.  I don't eat--well sometimes.

Rabbit Trail:  My friends love talking to me about food.  I LOVE FOOD!  Good food is one of the great joys of life.  Friends and I would talk about recipes we've tried and ones we want to try.  Ethnic, gourmet or rocking kid food--it's all good.  I was told today that I don't talk about food anymore.  I'm disappointing my friends.  How sad is that???  Oh appetite, where have you gone???  The reality is, the more stressed I am, the more I don't have an appetite.  I have nicknamed myself the "incredible shrinking woman".  I just had to take in the waist of my size 4 jeans.  I'm not proud of this people.  It's sick.

I'm not always a stressed out mess of a person.  I have learned to fake it for my kids sake, and the most amazing thing happens.  I find real joy in some of those moments I started out pretending with.  Hugs are freely given in my home.  Silliness abounds.  The day after Christmas I spent with the children making friendship bracelets with Emily, playing Polly Pockets with AnnaSophia and having a killer Nerf dart gun vs. marshmallow shooter battle with Ethan.

It's the quiet moments that are the worst.  I don't mind being alone, but I don't like feeling lonely.  It's times like 3am when I wake up and can't get back to sleep that are hard.  I've found crying in the shower is good and cleansing--and I don't have to worry about messing up my makeup.  See, there is a silver lining.  What's so hard?  It's the reality that I'm walking the path of raising my children alone that is scary and sad.  I worry about how in the world am I going to parent three children if AnnaSophia rejects, and we have to live in Denver for 6 months.  Will I be able to pay my bills?  Will I find a good paying job?  Will I lose my job when AnnaSophia gets sick?  Will I ever be able to take my kids on vacation?  What if AnnaSophia dies??? 

I know I shouldn't let my mind go to these places.  It's really the by-product of loneliness.  It's the by-product of realizing that I carry the life and death of my child all on my shoulders--alone.  I've actually had someone tell me that a man would be crazy to take on me and my children.  Wow!!!  That hurt.  It didn't hurt for me, but for my children.  My kids are NOT a liability, but this just goes to show you how the rest of the world perceives my life.  Wow, three kids, two with special needs...heavy.  That's a lot.  It's not normal.  Frankly, it would take a very special man who would want to stick around to be a part of that life.  So, I guard my heart and my children with concrete walls, 25 feet thick.

Expectation:  To look forward to something with great anticipation.

Most people look forward to celebrating New Years Eve and ringing in the New Year.  Folks tend to look back on the previous year with 20/20 hindsight and look forward to the New Year with great anticipation and expectation that the New Year will treat them well.  Maybe Eeyore new something the rest of us didn't.  If you don't have great expectations, then you can't be disappointed...right?  I know I sound a little bah humbug, especially for a "glass half full" kind of girl.  I'm just in a funk.  I'm waiting for things to get better.  The process of divorce is like slow, painful torture designed to make all parties miserable. 

Maybe I shouldn't wait for things to get better, but take an active roll in pursuing "betterness" and happiness.  As a matter of fact, that sounds like a good plan for 2011.  The upside of divorce:  I don't have to live in a bad marriage.  The divorce will be final the beginning of 2011.  Woo hoo for me...I think.  I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to embrace this.  I think I will throw a party.  2011 marks a new start in my life.  It might just be me and my kids alone on this journey called life, but we will be together no matter what.  Through the tears, the sadness, the laughter, the silliness and the heartfelt moments, we will be together.  We will seek the good and trust that God will walk with us and provide through the tough stuff.  I will attempt to face 2011 with cautious optimism and pray that we will find our way through an uncertain future with the hope that we will discover joy along the way.

2011 blessings to you all.

Adventures of an Adrenaline Junkie

My mind is made up...I'm going to jump out of an airplane. I have never, EVER felt the need to jump out of an airplane before, but life changes, and I HAVE to do this.  Sometime in the year 2011, my best friend and I will do this.  I will probably pee my pants while skydiving, but I WILL do this.  I NEED to do this.

Why???  I'm not even sure why.  Since my life has changed, since my marriage fell apart, I have felt the need to do things that I haven't done in a very long time.  I need physical challenges...big time.  I feel better when I challenge myself physically and succeed.

I've softened over the years. I've lost touch with who I used to be.  In some respects, I've grown and matured a lot.  I have no regrets, but as I have navigated my way through divorce, I am rediscovering myself and who I am.  I used to have a fire in me.  Trust me, the fact that some of that has softened is a good thing.  But I've lost touch with that adventurous part of myself over the years, and in some respects, I have changed. 

Sometimes, change is good, but I think losing oneself isn't.  I'm not talking about, "I'm so tired, I don't know my name" kind of losing oneself.  Or, "I have no idea what day of the week it is" kind of losing oneself.  I'm talking about the deeper, sadder kind.  The kind of losing oneself where a part of you dies.

Before I was married, I was the extreme-mountain-bike-riding, double-diamond-mogul-skiing, no holds barred kind of girl.  I was working, going to college, and attending the police cadet academy--all at the same time.  I got to work out with and do training exercises with the SWAT team.  I knew my way around a firing range.  I mountain biked, skied, and hiked fourteeners.  I changed my own oil and spark plugs.  I could change a tire in no time flat--and not break a nail.  There was nothing I couldn't do.  When I got married, I owned the tool box.

I'm not saying I was a guy.  I was still pretty girly.  I was just very, very capable.  I've been a very independent person since I could walk and talk.  But...I like to dress up.  I like to shop.  I like to have tea parties with my girls.  And quite frankly, when life is getting you down, there is nothing that can make a girl feel better than a killer pair of new shoes and a pint of Haagen Dazs Chocolate Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.

After I got married, I grew in my faith.  I took a bible study in Biblical Femininity and embraced the unique and beautiful way that God created woman.  I learned that I needed to step back a little bit and leave some room for my new husband to lead.  I was used to doing everything on my own, and I was quite good at it, but then there were two of us.  God created man to lead his family, not for his wife to push him out of the way and do it all. 

Over the past 15 years, I spent 27 months of it pregnant and 29 months of it nursing my babies.  I spent close to a year of it sitting in hospitals with all three of my sick kids.  I cooked, cleaned, homeschooled and managed a home.  I volunteered at church.  But sadly, I forgot how to take time for myself.  I married a person who didn't like to hike, bike or ski--and he really didn't like firearms.  I started denying that part of myself, and reinventing myself into something that fit in this different box.

When my marriage fell apart, I didn't know who I was anymore...

I had sold my mountain bike.  I realized that I hadn't skied in 16 years, and I couldn't remember the last time I went hiking.  To combat some of the horrible emotions I was going through, I turned to the mountains.  When I started hiking, it was like I could breathe again.  I couldn't wait for my next opportunity to get there.

But, just run-of-the-mill hiking wasn't enough.  Sometimes, I would put my little one in the stroller and think to myself, "How long can I walk before my body gives out?".  I needed to push myself harder each time.  I would hike 9 miles...then go shopping.  Research shows that the brain waves of someone who is relaxing or daydreaming are the same as those of someone who is hiking.  It makes us feel good--and I could use a little bit more of that.

What I have found is that the more I push myself physically, the better I feel. 

I love the challenge!!!

The reality is that divorce is sometimes called "Crazy Time" for a reason.  I know people who have gotten tattoos, gone to bars to drink away their sorrows, and slept with anyone who moved.  Men buy motorcycles...women buy everything.  I can honestly say, that's not me.  Those options would make me feel worse as a person--not better.

For now, it's all about the adrenaline rush.  I am going to jump out of an airplane.  I used to hate roller coasters.  Now, I will conquer each one out there.  I will ski moguls again.  Fourteeners???  Bring it on!  Sometimes, a person needs to do things that make them feel alive again, and there is nothing better than adrenaline to do the job.   Crazy?  Maybe...but there is no better encouragement to a single mom than knowing you can conquer mountains all by yourself, because the reality for me is that I walk this path alone.  Alone is not bad, just daunting sometimes.  I have to keep going...I have three kids, all with unique personalities and challenges, who are relying on me.  Knowing that I can face personal physical challenges and succeed fills my tank and keeps me going.  It is the encouragement I need to show myself that I can do anything, in spite of the lemons life hands me at times.

Reflections from the Incline

Today, I hiked the Manitou Incline...or should I say the "Stairmaster From Hell"???  It was 3.25 miles of "kick-your-butt".  Well, half of that was "kick-your-butt", because the other half I spent coming down Barr Trail.  Here's the stats:  3.25 miles round trip, 2100ft elevation gain, 50% grade in some places...and just so you know, some people die on the incline.  There are stories of people dying of heart attacks up there!  Glad I didn't know about that before I hiked it.  I consider myself to be in pretty good shape.  I lift weights several days a week, do cardio training, walk and hike.  Two weeks ago, I hiked a 9 mile loop at Spruce Mountain.  It wasn't technically hard at all, just long--and it felt great!  The incline?  Bring it on baby!!!

Well, today I apparently felt the need to hurt myself physically.  This was my first time hiking the incline, and boy did I feel like a wimp!  There were people hoofing it without stopping.  These were the serious "incliners".  You can pick them out right away.  They are decked out in gortex and spandex with backpacks and hydration packs.  The muscles in their legs are bulging like they are ready to explode, and they are dripping in sweat.  They don't talk, uh, can't talk, because they are breathing so hard.  Then there was me.  I was wearing my typical hiking attire: jeans, sneakers, upper body layers (tank top, light wool sweater, fleece jacket), sunglasses, water bottle (well, this time I brought Vitamin Water.  More on this mistake later.)  Everyone thought I was either a tourist or an "incline virgin". 

 About a quarter of the way up, I was wondering if this was such a good idea, but when I commit to something, I like to follow through.  I had already stopped to catch my breath several times, and was sipping on my Vitamin Water.  I thought to myself, "It's just the altitude getting to me, because my legs are in great shape, and they don't even hurt."  Several people continued to pass me up, including a lady wearing a T shirt that had the words "This is cheaper than therapy" printed on it.  Amen sister!  That's why I can't wait to get in the mountains and hike.  This was the motivation I needed to continue on.

A third of the way up, I was huffing and puffing hard.  I was sweating and now had my sweater and fleece tied around my waist.  I couldn't seem to catch my breath, but my legs were still holding up great.  I continued to sip on my Vitamin Water.  Normally, I hike with a bottle of water, but today, I thought I might need the sugar and vitamins that this other drink would provide.  Honestly, it wasn't tasting too good at this point, but I knew it was important to keep hydrated, so I sipped away.  I reminded myself to look down and enjoy the view.  I now realized that there were people who thought it might be "fun" to hike the Incline, who later realized that this was not such a good idea.  Not me!  I can handle this.  I hike all the time, and I'm very physically fit.  (Laugh, laugh, laugh.)

Half way up, I had an "OH CRAP, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?" moment.  I was sweating from places I didn't know I could sweat from.  My chest hurt, my legs hurt and I couldn't catch my breath.  I was thirsty, but the Vitamin Water made me feel like I was going to puke.  All I could think at this point was, "Oh God, oh God, please don't let me throw up in front of these other hikers on the incline!".  It was a moment of pure panic.  I've never felt panicked hiking before--ever.  I looked down.  I looked up.  I realized that there were two options.  Hike back down...well, in the state I was in, it would have been more like tumble my way down.  And yes, I saw a lady loose her footing and fall.  This option spelled FAILURE.  I couldn't do it.  When I commit to something, I follow through, no matter if it's going to kill me or not.

Oh wait...Rabbit Trail:  This was just like therapy!!!  Wow!  I was going to stick it out in my marriage, because of the commitment.  My marriage was killing me.  I realize that now.  But I made a commitment, and I was going to follow through--no matter what.  I just learned something about myself.  Whew!  That was amazing!  This was cheaper than therapy.

So, quitting was not an option.   I had to finish, and I decided that I was going to just take it slow.  I sat down to catch my breath, and watched two young college girls hike up.  One was wearing a pair of shorts that said "Lifeguard" on them.  The other girl was wearing spandex.  They laughed and talked their way up.  I overheard them talking about men and dating.  They reminded me of myself 20 years ago.  I liked them.  By the time they reached me, we were talking and laughing, and I came to find out that this was their third time hiking the incline.  Each time, they were able to shave 10 minutes off their time.  Girl power...I like it.

At this point of the incline, I realized that we were all part of an exclusive "Incline Club".  Everyone is encouraging each other.  The heavy crowds at the bottom have dispersed.  This is about a personal challenge for each person.  I am hands and feet scrambling in some places now.  The conditions were awful.  I keep hearing heavy breathing behind me.  It sounds like someone is two steps behind me, and breathing really, really heavily.  I keep looking behind me, but the closest person is about half a football field away.  It couldn't possibly be that person that's breathing so heavy, right?

A middle aged man is hiking with his teenage son.  The son is walking several steps ahead of his dad with a spring in his step.  He stops to wait for his dad every so often.  His dad is struggling up the incline.  This was the heavy breather!  I could hear him forever away.  Now that he was getting closer, I felt kind of bad for the guy.  All I could think was, "Please don't collapse.  Please don't have a heart attack.".  If this guy needed CPR, I didn't have enough breath for the both of us. 

Finally, the top was in sight.  My two college girls were sitting at the top catching their breath.  As I took the last few steps to the top, they started clapping for me.  I couldn't help but laughing, and yes, I deserved the applause.  As soon as I reached the top, they asked me if I wanted to RUN down Barr Trail with them.  "You girls are a whole lot younger than me.  I'm going to sit and ponder life for awhile.  You go ahead without me."  How pathetic was that?  I'm old now.  My chest hurt, my legs felt like rubber, I was soaking wet with sweat and what I wouldn't have given for a bottle of plain water.  The Vitamin Water tasted like syrup.  It was just grape flavored yuck.  The point was I MADE IT!!!!  Woo hoo for me!

A view from the top



 If I made it down alive from this "hike from Hell", I swore to myself that I wouldn't ever do this again.  I got up and started down Barr Trail.  One word: Scree.  Scree is the loose gravel on top of granite so often found in the Colorado Rockies.  It's like stepping on ball bearings on a bowling alley.  I am slippery surface challenged.  Great, just great!  I have little to no muscle control over my legs at this point, and now I have to maneuver my way down a slope of scree.  Thankfully, there was no one around, because I looked like a complete idiot as I grabbed onto unsuspecting saplings in an attempt to slow down my descent.  Once I was past the scree, I actually started enjoying myself.  This was my kind of hiking.  The scenery was beautiful, the path was well maintained, and I could finally catch my breath.  Oh yeah, I'm soaking with sweat and now I'm getting really, really cold.  Ok, time to jog. 

I was so impressed with the little fences around the hiking path.  It was so well maintained.  Now, I realized that they are "guard rails", just like the kind you see next to the interstates.  The purpose is to keep people from tumbling down the winding mountain trail.  Why???  Because, people like me trip over rocks, because their legs are all rubbery from hiking the stupid incline.  The guard rails saved me several times, and thankfully, no one was present to see my stupid little mishaps down the trail.  I finally reached the parking lot!  Oh thank God!!!  Thank you God!!!  I made it!  I got in my car, guzzled a bottle of water and started driving home.  At that point the craziest thing happened.  I had this crazy thought that I wanted to hike the incline again sometime.  WHAT????  Had I lost my ever-loving mind????  Yes, I had.  It's the same feeling I got after hiking a fourteener.  It's addictive.  One day, I will do this again.  Next time, I will train harder beforehand, but there will be a next time.



Life begins at 40

Or so I've been told many times lately. 

I've also been told, "It's all down hill from here".

 On October 6th of this year, I joined the exclusive Over-40 Club. 

I've been dreading this for awhile now.  I think the buildup is worse than the actual event, especially when friends are so kind to offer their wheel chairs, walkers, etc.  The specific rundown on these kind gifts has been:

wheel chairs, walkers, bifocals, oxygen, Aspercreme, adult diapers, Snuggies, shower caps, Metamucil, Craft-O-Matic beds and Life Alert. 


I woke up on the day of my birthday...and coffee tasted the same.  I think I still looked the same.  I felt pretty much the same, although a little fatigued as one of my friends had to call at midnight to be the first to wish me "Happy Birthday".


I've had people graciously tell me that I look good for 40...whatever that means.  THANKS...I think.  What are 40 year old women supposed to look like?

Today, someone told me that I'm not "old" till 50.  Does that make me officially "middle-aged"?  Other 40 year old women have told me that 40 is the new 30.  Really???  I loved my thirties!!!  This is great news for women who are 40--except for the fact that I think all of the 40 year old women made up this new rule all by themselves.

The great thing about my 30's was that I was an adult in my own right.  20 year olds--especially young 20 year olds--are barely adults.  As a 30 year old, I was finally respected by other adults.  A 30 year old has some life experience and wisdom under her belt.  I didn't feel old at all.  Physically, I was in great shape.  I felt like a "grown up" in the best sense of the phrase.

If 40 is the new 30, then clearly life gets even better...right???  I can say that I definitely have more knowledge and wisdom under my belt now.  I have a broader understanding of how the world works.  I am more patient and can see the big picture better now than I ever could.  Life experience has also made me less judgemental.  Less judgemental in the sense that I have more grace for people now than before. 

I think we could all use and give a little more grace--especially to those young "whippersnappers" who think they know everything.

I survived turning 40, and life is good.  Maybe, just maybe, life does begin at 40.  I'll keep you posted.

Perspective

There are times when life has been tough lately.  I have felt emotionally beat up.  Some mornings, the love I have for my children is the only things that keeps me going.  That's when God puts something or someone in my life that gives me perspective.

Perspective:  How we look at the world.  Our outlook.

It can be good, or it can just plain stink.  Remember hearing about the glass analogy?  Do you look at this glass of water as being half full or half empty?  The positive person would say it's half full.  The negative one would say it's half empty. 

I've always been a "glass half full" kind of person.  I like to smile, laugh and surround myself with generally positive people.  My faith has helped me to see the positive in even the hardest situations.  I look for God's purpose and plan in the difficult circumstances.  How is He attempting to refine me?  The difficult circumstances can shape us into better people, if we allow God to work His purpose in our lives.

I have to honestly say that I've been in a funk.  Divorce can do that to a person.  It can make one question his or her choices, worth and future.  I have felt as though I'm on an emotional roller coaster.  One moment, I'm joyful and feeling positive about everything.  The next moment, I'm crying over the littlest thing.  The next moment, I'm wanting to beat the stuffing out of a pillow till there's nothing left.  (Or walk 6 miles--fast, or shovel a giant pile of mulch--vigorously, or move a large pile of sizable river rock--furiously, etc.)  Sorry for the rabbit trail, but you get the picture.

The reality is that we can allow difficulties to destroy us, and make us angry, bitter and negative.  OR, we can work through the emotions, grow, learn and become the kind of people who change the world.  Maybe our circle of influence is confined to our family.  Maybe our purpose is to influence the world on a greater scale.  This can only happen if we are secure in our identity.

Identity

I'm not talking about surface identity.  Daughter, husband, mother, friend, co-worker, etc.  This is not about our skewed picture of how we see ourselves.  I'm talking about our identity in God's eyes.  How does God see us?  Some of you are blessed enough to have people in your lives who see you how God sees you.  Hopefully, some of you are married to a spouse who loves you and sees you the way Jesus does.  What an amazing gift to be loved with that kind of love!  In order to have a positive perspective, it is essential to know who you are in Christ.

Nick Vujicic is one of those amazingly inspiring people who helps us to gain perspective.  His upbeat, positive energy is contagious.  Nick was born without limbs--no arms or legs.  He talks about his struggles, and how the love of Jesus has transformed his life.  He reminds us that no matter what our circumstances in life, God will always be there to walk us through our trials.  His message is amazingly powerful.

I needed to see this video more than I realized.  It's amazing how easily we can lose our perspective.  Sometimes all we need is someone to remind us about our purpose, our identity, and that yes, God is here to walk us through whatever trials we may face.  You can check out more of Nick's story here.  Hopefully, this video will affect you greatly, and like me, help you to gain perspective.

Blessings.

Rabbit Trails and Detours

New times require new blogs.

My original blog, AnnaSophia--God's Miracle has been a wonderful tool to keep family and friends updated on my daughter's medical journey.  AnnaSophia was born with life-threatening heart defects which eventually led to her need for a heart transplant.  Over time, the blog evolved, containing not only medical updates, but updates on the entire family.  I wrote about my very personal thoughts as it related to watching AnnaSophia struggle to live and the challenges that our family faced. 

As our lives began to settle down, I became passionate about letting the world know that congenital heart defects (CHD's) are the number one birth defect in the world.  It kills more children than all childhood cancers put together.  I needed to let the world know about CHD's like I needed air to breathe.  AnnaSophia's blog will continue with updates about the children and, of course, information about congenital heart defects, but sometimes I've felt the need to write things that are "off topic".

That leads me to Rabbit Trails and Detours.

Rabbit trails typically have a negative connotation.  Most people see these paths as a waste of time, but I am optimist.  I love rabbit trails! Well, let me clarify.  Most people don't like being led away from the topic at hand, only to realize that it led them nowhere.  What I love are the unplanned little mental meanderings that lead me to new information, unexpected enlightenment or simply a wonderful laugh.  Rabbit trails are those thoughts that temporarily take over my mind, steering me away from my current thought process to an unexpected little mental vacation.  Sometimes there is treasure at the end of a these paths, and no matter how hard I try, I find myself hopping happily down a rabbit trail.

Detours.  Life is full of them.  We might have an idea of what our life will be like, but then there are circumstances that temporarily change our direction.  Sometimes detours take us down a different path, but to the same end.  Other times, detours can change the entire landscape of our life.  I've found myself taking a detour from what I originally envisioned my life to be.

After 15 and 1/2 years of marriage, I find myself walking down the path of divorce.  Divorce is the death of a marriage.  Death requires grieving, and I have grieved...deeply.  Divorce can be like an all-consuming wildfire that devours everything in its path.  So often I find myself trying to quench the flames of destruction, protecting my children like some crazed mama grizzly bear. 

Even though this is not how I envisioned my life to be, I have confidence in knowing that God knew this would happen.  He's led me through worse times of pain and uncertainty.  Like a forest that has been burned by wildfire, there comes a time when new growth appears and the soil is richer.

Divorce has caused me to re-evaluate my life and look at my future differently.  My goals are different now.  My reason for living is different now than when I was married.  My hope for my children is that God will take their wounded hearts and heal them.

Rabbit Trails and Detours.  A new blog for my new life.  My desire is that we will find treasure down our rabbit trails and companionship on the detours.  And please, if there is a rabbit trail or detour that you would like to see me write about, please let me know.

Blessings.