2010 Draws to an End

I will probably get flack for this post.  I usually try to keep things very positive.  Can I tell you how many people over the last two years have told me how inspiring I am?  If I had a dollar for every time someone has said that, I could pay my January mortgage with the proceeds.  There are times, like now, where I wish I could inspire myself.

The reality is that this has been a dog crap year.

OK, let me focus on the positive.  AnnaSophia is healthy and showing no signs of rejection.  Ethan and Emily are doing well in school.  Ethan even made the honor roll.  This is Emily's first full year in school after being home schooled, and she is doing really well too.  I have been able to keep some stability in the children's lives by being able to stay in our family home for now.  My dog loves me.  I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends who have been very supportive this year.  I have seen our Mended Little Hearts of Colorado Springs group take off and become an important presence in our community.  I have been able to volunteer with the American Heart Association and help make the Heart Heroes Gallery possible.

Then, there is the weight of the world that I carry on my shoulders daily. 

I'm going through a D-I-V-O-R-C-E. 

Can I be frank here?  Divorce sucks.  It rocks your world.  I have felt like I have had the rug pulled out from underneath of me, and I'm free falling through life.  It hurts people emotionally, physically and financially.  Most of all it hurts children.  It's one thing for people without children to deal with all of the garbage associated with the death of a marriage.  It's devastating to see the effects of it on my children.  When they hurt, I hurt.  I carry that hurt every waking and sleeping moment. 

I don't sleep--at least not much.  I don't eat--well sometimes.

Rabbit Trail:  My friends love talking to me about food.  I LOVE FOOD!  Good food is one of the great joys of life.  Friends and I would talk about recipes we've tried and ones we want to try.  Ethnic, gourmet or rocking kid food--it's all good.  I was told today that I don't talk about food anymore.  I'm disappointing my friends.  How sad is that???  Oh appetite, where have you gone???  The reality is, the more stressed I am, the more I don't have an appetite.  I have nicknamed myself the "incredible shrinking woman".  I just had to take in the waist of my size 4 jeans.  I'm not proud of this people.  It's sick.

I'm not always a stressed out mess of a person.  I have learned to fake it for my kids sake, and the most amazing thing happens.  I find real joy in some of those moments I started out pretending with.  Hugs are freely given in my home.  Silliness abounds.  The day after Christmas I spent with the children making friendship bracelets with Emily, playing Polly Pockets with AnnaSophia and having a killer Nerf dart gun vs. marshmallow shooter battle with Ethan.

It's the quiet moments that are the worst.  I don't mind being alone, but I don't like feeling lonely.  It's times like 3am when I wake up and can't get back to sleep that are hard.  I've found crying in the shower is good and cleansing--and I don't have to worry about messing up my makeup.  See, there is a silver lining.  What's so hard?  It's the reality that I'm walking the path of raising my children alone that is scary and sad.  I worry about how in the world am I going to parent three children if AnnaSophia rejects, and we have to live in Denver for 6 months.  Will I be able to pay my bills?  Will I find a good paying job?  Will I lose my job when AnnaSophia gets sick?  Will I ever be able to take my kids on vacation?  What if AnnaSophia dies??? 

I know I shouldn't let my mind go to these places.  It's really the by-product of loneliness.  It's the by-product of realizing that I carry the life and death of my child all on my shoulders--alone.  I've actually had someone tell me that a man would be crazy to take on me and my children.  Wow!!!  That hurt.  It didn't hurt for me, but for my children.  My kids are NOT a liability, but this just goes to show you how the rest of the world perceives my life.  Wow, three kids, two with special needs...heavy.  That's a lot.  It's not normal.  Frankly, it would take a very special man who would want to stick around to be a part of that life.  So, I guard my heart and my children with concrete walls, 25 feet thick.

Expectation:  To look forward to something with great anticipation.

Most people look forward to celebrating New Years Eve and ringing in the New Year.  Folks tend to look back on the previous year with 20/20 hindsight and look forward to the New Year with great anticipation and expectation that the New Year will treat them well.  Maybe Eeyore new something the rest of us didn't.  If you don't have great expectations, then you can't be disappointed...right?  I know I sound a little bah humbug, especially for a "glass half full" kind of girl.  I'm just in a funk.  I'm waiting for things to get better.  The process of divorce is like slow, painful torture designed to make all parties miserable. 

Maybe I shouldn't wait for things to get better, but take an active roll in pursuing "betterness" and happiness.  As a matter of fact, that sounds like a good plan for 2011.  The upside of divorce:  I don't have to live in a bad marriage.  The divorce will be final the beginning of 2011.  Woo hoo for me...I think.  I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to embrace this.  I think I will throw a party.  2011 marks a new start in my life.  It might just be me and my kids alone on this journey called life, but we will be together no matter what.  Through the tears, the sadness, the laughter, the silliness and the heartfelt moments, we will be together.  We will seek the good and trust that God will walk with us and provide through the tough stuff.  I will attempt to face 2011 with cautious optimism and pray that we will find our way through an uncertain future with the hope that we will discover joy along the way.

2011 blessings to you all.

Adventures of an Adrenaline Junkie

My mind is made up...I'm going to jump out of an airplane. I have never, EVER felt the need to jump out of an airplane before, but life changes, and I HAVE to do this.  Sometime in the year 2011, my best friend and I will do this.  I will probably pee my pants while skydiving, but I WILL do this.  I NEED to do this.

Why???  I'm not even sure why.  Since my life has changed, since my marriage fell apart, I have felt the need to do things that I haven't done in a very long time.  I need physical challenges...big time.  I feel better when I challenge myself physically and succeed.

I've softened over the years. I've lost touch with who I used to be.  In some respects, I've grown and matured a lot.  I have no regrets, but as I have navigated my way through divorce, I am rediscovering myself and who I am.  I used to have a fire in me.  Trust me, the fact that some of that has softened is a good thing.  But I've lost touch with that adventurous part of myself over the years, and in some respects, I have changed. 

Sometimes, change is good, but I think losing oneself isn't.  I'm not talking about, "I'm so tired, I don't know my name" kind of losing oneself.  Or, "I have no idea what day of the week it is" kind of losing oneself.  I'm talking about the deeper, sadder kind.  The kind of losing oneself where a part of you dies.

Before I was married, I was the extreme-mountain-bike-riding, double-diamond-mogul-skiing, no holds barred kind of girl.  I was working, going to college, and attending the police cadet academy--all at the same time.  I got to work out with and do training exercises with the SWAT team.  I knew my way around a firing range.  I mountain biked, skied, and hiked fourteeners.  I changed my own oil and spark plugs.  I could change a tire in no time flat--and not break a nail.  There was nothing I couldn't do.  When I got married, I owned the tool box.

I'm not saying I was a guy.  I was still pretty girly.  I was just very, very capable.  I've been a very independent person since I could walk and talk.  But...I like to dress up.  I like to shop.  I like to have tea parties with my girls.  And quite frankly, when life is getting you down, there is nothing that can make a girl feel better than a killer pair of new shoes and a pint of Haagen Dazs Chocolate Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.

After I got married, I grew in my faith.  I took a bible study in Biblical Femininity and embraced the unique and beautiful way that God created woman.  I learned that I needed to step back a little bit and leave some room for my new husband to lead.  I was used to doing everything on my own, and I was quite good at it, but then there were two of us.  God created man to lead his family, not for his wife to push him out of the way and do it all. 

Over the past 15 years, I spent 27 months of it pregnant and 29 months of it nursing my babies.  I spent close to a year of it sitting in hospitals with all three of my sick kids.  I cooked, cleaned, homeschooled and managed a home.  I volunteered at church.  But sadly, I forgot how to take time for myself.  I married a person who didn't like to hike, bike or ski--and he really didn't like firearms.  I started denying that part of myself, and reinventing myself into something that fit in this different box.

When my marriage fell apart, I didn't know who I was anymore...

I had sold my mountain bike.  I realized that I hadn't skied in 16 years, and I couldn't remember the last time I went hiking.  To combat some of the horrible emotions I was going through, I turned to the mountains.  When I started hiking, it was like I could breathe again.  I couldn't wait for my next opportunity to get there.

But, just run-of-the-mill hiking wasn't enough.  Sometimes, I would put my little one in the stroller and think to myself, "How long can I walk before my body gives out?".  I needed to push myself harder each time.  I would hike 9 miles...then go shopping.  Research shows that the brain waves of someone who is relaxing or daydreaming are the same as those of someone who is hiking.  It makes us feel good--and I could use a little bit more of that.

What I have found is that the more I push myself physically, the better I feel. 

I love the challenge!!!

The reality is that divorce is sometimes called "Crazy Time" for a reason.  I know people who have gotten tattoos, gone to bars to drink away their sorrows, and slept with anyone who moved.  Men buy motorcycles...women buy everything.  I can honestly say, that's not me.  Those options would make me feel worse as a person--not better.

For now, it's all about the adrenaline rush.  I am going to jump out of an airplane.  I used to hate roller coasters.  Now, I will conquer each one out there.  I will ski moguls again.  Fourteeners???  Bring it on!  Sometimes, a person needs to do things that make them feel alive again, and there is nothing better than adrenaline to do the job.   Crazy?  Maybe...but there is no better encouragement to a single mom than knowing you can conquer mountains all by yourself, because the reality for me is that I walk this path alone.  Alone is not bad, just daunting sometimes.  I have to keep going...I have three kids, all with unique personalities and challenges, who are relying on me.  Knowing that I can face personal physical challenges and succeed fills my tank and keeps me going.  It is the encouragement I need to show myself that I can do anything, in spite of the lemons life hands me at times.