Revolutionary Road in Review

Not too many movies make me want to write a review, but this is one of those times where I will make an exception.

Saturday night with my sweetheart.

Dinner...Check

Dessert...Check

Movie...Check

We love to watch dramas.  We love great stories.  We love the kind of stories that make you think.  The kind that affect you deeply afterwards--in a positive way.

This was not one of those movies.


We decided to watch Revolutionary Road starring Leonardo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet.

This movie was described as a critically acclaimed drama.  One you will want to watch over and over again.  It was described as a love story against all odds.  Can their love survive???

Ok, we were hooked.  What can we lose?  We settled in for an engaging movie night.

The opening scenes were painful to watch.  A married couple, who is supposed to be in love, is seen arguing, screaming, and hurling low blows at each other.  With tempers flaring, the violence is barely restrained...

It was tough to watch.

I was thinking to myself, "Surely, this has to get better."  

It didn't.

Let me first say that Leonardo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet lived up to their reputations as exceptional actors. The dislike for this movie has nothing to do with the actors or Sam Mendes' movie direction.  My criticism of the movie has everything to do with the content.

Revolutionary Road is a story of a couple that has lost themselves.  Frank and April tried their best to fit into a circa 1950's suburban paradise and failed miserably.  They were completely unhappy with their lives, each other and the choices they had made.  The characters come to this realization and decide to make some drastic changes.  April has an idea to leave their American, suburban life behind and move to Paris, France, where Frank can "find his passion".  They were going to live the adventure and thumb their noses at convention.  For a short period of time, they believed that this would save their troubled marriage, and that they would ultimately find happiness.

This movie is based on the book, Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates.  It was supposed to be a commentary on the conformity and subsequent loss of identity and individuality that the author believed to be rampant in the 1950's.  I can understand the author's point of view, and I believe that if one looks closely, his charges are still relevant today.  I see many couples playing the "keeping-up-with-the-Joneses-game".  I see many couples unhappy with their lives, their jobs, their houses, etc. and trying to make changes in pursuit of happiness.  The author's recognition of the idea of many American adults being locked into a self-imposed prison cell of conformity still holds true today, albeit most women today have more freedom than they did in the 1950's.  But, Yates doesn't stop at this idea and attempts to take his point of view even further.  When he was asked what the central theme of his work was, he stated, "If my work has a theme, I suspect it's a simple one: that most human beings are inescapably alone, and therein lies their tragedy."

I couldn't disagree more.  I think for some tragic people, they believe that "aloneness" and unhappiness is their lot in life.  I think differently.  This type of thinking annoys me.  Honestly, I would make a terrible therapist, because I just don't have patience for those who choose to wallow in misery.  There are times when everyone experiences loneliness.  I believe that we were created for relationship, therefore feelings of loneliness can be quite painful.

I tell my children every single day that happiness is a choice.  People are handed difficulties every single day...some worse than others.  In my life, especially since the birth of my third child, I have seen families faced with devastating news regarding the health and life of their child.  I have been to numerous funerals of children who have lost their battle with critical illnesses.  I have talked with, prayed with and wept with families who have recalled memories of their children's short lives.  Some families are destroyed by these challenges, and others handle it with a beautiful grace and come out stronger in the end.

Life is not a picnic.  Life can be mundane.  Life is hard and will deliver some sucker punches at times.  But I also have faith that our creator and savior walks with us everyday, and if you let him, he will see you through those tough times.  

The author of Revolutionary Road and the characters he created have no faith.

As the movie took it's course, the possibility of all happiness for this family disappeared.  Not slowly either.  It crashed and burned in a mighty explosion.  Each of the characters was so unlikable and made such terrible choices, that it was painful to watch.

The two main characters in Revolutionary Road, Frank and April, both fell into adultery, abandoning their vows and cheating on their spouse.  It was hard to see any love in their family at all, because the arguing imbued such a sense of pure hatred towards each other.  As we watched this movie, I couldn't help but think, "When is this going to be over!  Please, just end it now!!!"  But, always the optimist, I was thinking that I wanted to finish the movie so as to have a sense of resolution and closure.

I'm sorry that I continued.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!  Do not read any further if you don't want the climax and resolution of the movie revealed.

The movie ended with April, Kate Winslet's character, aborting their third child via an instillation abortion performed at home.  Her hatred for her husband coupled with her innate unhappiness led her to make a decision that resulted in the death of her baby, and ultimately her death as well.  The movie left us both feeling miserable.  Well, let me clarify.  We were so happy that we were not like these sorry, lost souls.  We were also aware of the fact that there are those people in this world who are just like Frank and April.

Maybe this movie was so painful to watch, because it makes me think about things I would rather not spend time thinking about.  It's been almost two years since the breakup of my marriage.  I still struggle with the sting of betrayal.  I still don't have a clear understanding of why some people are innately unhappy with their lives, while others attempt to find the silver lining in difficult circumstances.  I still don't understand why spouses can't just "work it out".  I still find myself needing to help my children cope with the negative side effects of divorce.  

Plain and simple: divorce sucks.

Miserable marriages suck.

It was bad enough that I've had to negotiate my way through my own divorce, but to spend my evening watching Revolutionary Road bordered on torture.  For those who love to study human behavior, relationships and marriage (especially dysfunctional ones), this might just be the movie for you.  For me, I wish I could get that time back that I spent watching this movie.  Instead, I will move on and be thankful for each blessing that comes my way.

Congenital Heart Day, February 24, 2012

It's official!!!

February 24, 2012 is officially Congenital Heart Day at the Colorado Capitol!!!

I'm not a fan of "copy and paste" on a blog, so I apologize for doing that here.  I received an email from a fellow CHD friend, Amanda Rose Adams, urging all of us affected by CHDs to make a large presence at the Colorado State Capitol on Friday, February 24, 2012.

Here is an excerpt of the email:

GREAT NEWS!!! We have a resolution at the Colorado Legislature.  Both the Senate and the House will vote on a resolution that will recognize congenital heart defects as a unique and urgent condition and celebrate Friday, February 24 as Colorado Congenital Heart Day!!!!! This was the compromise we reached with several stakeholders in lieu of a long term study necessary to adopt pulse ox screenings at our abnormal altitude.  The resolution calls for the study and a commitment from the Colorado Board of Health to make Congenital Heart Defects a health priority in our state.

I am so proud that Representative Fischer and Senator Boyd have supported and championed this work.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE share this message with all CHD families and adults here in Colorado or who are treated by Colorado doctors.  We need AS MANY families and adults as we can to come to the Capitol and be present, be counted, and represent the 50,000 Coloradoans impacted by CHD.  I'm making a Facebook page (you don't need facebook to see it) to post information about the gathering, but for now, please share this message ASAP - we need to prove that all CHD survivors and the lost still count.  We only have 9 days but we must be counted.  This silent disease will silence us no more!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/CHD-Counts-at-the-Colorado-Capitol/325136717522559?sk=wall  

Please come join us at the capitol on Friday, February 24, 2012.  If you are from southern Colorado and would like to be a part of the Mended Little Hearts of Colorado Springs group, please contact us at 719-235-3769.  You can find us on Facebook at "Mended Little Hearts - Colorado Springs" or check out our website at www. mendedlittleheartsofcoloradosprings.org.


Let's show Colorado how many people are affected by CHDs and flood the capitol on Congenital Heart Day!!!

Valentine's Day 2012

Valentine's Day...a day for sweethearts.

A day some remember St. Valentine, for whom the day is named.

For some it's a lovely, much-anticipated day filled with loving thoughts from the special people in their life.  For others, it's absolutely dreaded, pull-the-covers-over-your-head-and-don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed day, because they have a wounded heart.

For me, it's a day that reminds me of broken hearts.  Not "love sick" broken hearts, but the broken hearts of children and adults who were born with congenital heart defects.

I realize that Valentine's Day doesn't mean the same thing to every person.  I don't mean to trivialize other's feelings regarding whether they love or hate this day.  So what is my point exactly?

I want to make people stop and think about the 1.8 million people who are living with congenital heart defects in the United States.  These people have unique hearts.  You might never know that the man you are standing next to in line at the grocery store is listed for a heart transplant, has a pacemaker and an implantable cardioverter defibrillator (ICD).  You might never know that the child laughing and playing at the playground with your child has had 3 open heart surgeries.

Why?  Because they look just like you and me...except for the scars they bear from procedures and surgeries they've had to repair their broken hearts.  Because their scars are hidden beneath their clothes, their battle with congenital heart disease is not readily noticed.

Broken hearts???  Technically.

Unique hearts??? Definitely!

I prefer to say "Mended" hearts.

As you celebrate--or don't celebrate--Valentine's Day, take a moment to think about the many people living in the United States with congenital heart disease.  Think about how you can help make a difference in a family's life.  Check out our website here for events and links on how to donate.

Some of our MLH Heart Heroes helping out with the American Heart Association's 2012 Heart Ball.

Donate Life

I can't think of Congenital Heart Defect (CHD) Awareness Week without thinking about organ, tissue and blood donation.  Most CHDers will at some point in their life require a blood transfusion.  In fact, every day in the United States, 40,000 units of blood are used, and HALF of that is used by our CHD community... each day.

AnnaSophia has certainly required her share of blood.  For my daughter, her life not only depended on donated blood, but also the gift of a donated heart.

According to the United Network for Organ Sharing (UNOS), in the year 2004 in the United States, 234 children were waiting for heart transplants.  Of the 3, 491 people waiting for hearts in the U.S., roughly 7% of them are children.  Only 2,100 heart transplants take place in the United States each year.  Sadly, many people die because there are not enough people willing to donate.

Please consider becoming an organ, tissue and blood donor.

It truly is the gift of life.

Leave a legacy and make a difference in the world.

Help make the world a better place and become an donor today.  Click here for information on organ and tissue donation.

Congenital Heart Defect (CHD) Awareness Week 2012

AnnaSophia's Story

On December 31st, 2007, my life changed in a way that I never could've imagined.  From the moment my third child, AnnaSophia, was born, she was fighting for her life.  She had so many heart defects, I didn't think there was any way a child like her could live. She was born with an interrupted aortic arch, a ventricular septal defect (VSD), an atrial septal defect (ASD), and a bicuspid aortic valve. 

At 11 days old, AnnaSophia underwent her first open heart surgery. I was amazed at the surgical techniques the doctors at Denver Children's Hospital used to repair her heart, but she still struggled.  She limped along on the heart she was born with, not realizing she was so sick.  She smiled and cooed her way through heart failure that progressed rapidly.  Finally, I was told that she would not be able to live much longer with her heart.  She was at risk of sudden cardiac death.  Her only chance at life was a heart transplant.

Three weeks after being listed, she received the gift of life in the form of a new heart.  She looked amazingly pink after her transplant, but she wasn't out of trouble.  She battled rejection and CMV (cytomeglovirus) infections that required pic lines, chemo-type infusions and hospitalizations.  She faced these setbacks with great determination and lots of smiles.

Mason, AnnaSophia's Donor

Today, AnnaSophia is an amazing and vibrant little 4 year old.  She is doing very well, and looking at her, no one would know that she has battled congenital heart disease. She continues to be at risk for rejection, infections and many other complications.  AnnaSophia has had 12 surgical procedures in her short life.  She has 31 scars on her little body, the most obvious being the zipper down the middle of her chest.  They serve as constant reminders of the journey she's walked, the challenges that she still faces and the miracle that she is.

There are circumstances...well, challenges, that changes a person's life dramatically.  For me it was the birth of my third child and her battle with congenital heart disease.  When AnnaSophia was diagnosed, it felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath of me.  Like someone had punched me in the gut.  Like my breath was being sucked out of me....  

She was nine days old, we were at the pediatric cardiologist's office, and she was crashing.  It was at that moment that we were told she had several heart defects.  

Heart what????  Defects???  My perfect looking, little baby girl???

I had never heard of congenital heart defects before.

What I didn't realize is that heart defects are the most common birth defect in the world, affecting  1 out of 100 babies born.

Congenital heart defects kill more children than all forms of pediatric cancer combined.

Congenital heart defects are the #1 killer of children under the age of 1.

40,000 units of blood are used every day in the United States.  Half of that is used each day by our congenital heart defect community.

Congenital heart defects don't discriminate.  It is an equal opportunity killer.  No matter your race, gender, socioeconomic status, the numbers are still the same.

This is why I do what I do.  I am currently serving as the Co-Program Coordinator for a group called Mended Little Hearts of Colorado Springs.  I want to provide emotional support for families whose children have been diagnosed with congenital heart defects (CHDs).  I want the world to know about CHDs.  I want to help raise money for research so that these children have a chance at full, happy, healthy lives.  My hope is that medical advancements will continue to improve the lives of people faced with congenital and acquired heart diseases.  

I want to Change the World...

Join me.  Check out our events scheduled for Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week here in Colorado Springs.  We kick off the week with a proclamation signing by one of our city council members officially declaring February 7th through the 14th, 2012 as Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week.  We have six blood drives scheduled for the week, fundraisers, and speaking engagements.  

Please check out our website at www.mendedlittleheartsofcoloradosprings.org  or click here for more information.

Pretty Faces, Beautiful Hearts

I've been inspired.  I look around me everyday, and I'm surrounded by truly amazing women.  Women who are life-giving, world-changing women.  These are the strong women who move mountains.  Women who are beautiful from the inside out, from their head to their toes.  These are the quiet ladies in the grocery store line in front of you.  Look around you.  They are pumping their gas, running meetings, nursing babies, saving lives, fundraising, counseling, educating, raising children, litigating, cooking, serving, cleaning, praising, loving.  They are sometimes appreciated.  Sometimes loved.  Sometimes overlooked.  I felt the need to honor these amazing women. 

Yes, there are women out there who give our sex a bad name.  Women who make us hang our heads in shame.  Women who are poison, women who are selfish, loveless, game-playing turds.  Women who leave their children, their husbands and a trail of destruction in their paths.  They are the Jezabel's of our sex, and we all know what fate she faced...

The women I want to honor are the superstars of our sex.  They are the people who touch your life and inspire you.  They walk into your life, and you are never the same again...in a good way.  They make you want to be a better person.  They bring out altruistic traits in everyone around them.  They may not be doctors or nurses, but they save lives everyday.  They are life-givers, not life-takers.  These women are heroes!!!

My plan was to share a slide show with some of the world-changing women that have touched my life, but I have found that most of these women are so humble, that they find the idea embarrasing.  My point was to honor these women, not embarrass, so I will not post pictures.  These women are grandmothers, mothers of sick children, nurses, doctors, teachers, neighbors, photographers, administrators, executive directors, business women, volunteers, etc.  All I can say is most of these women know exactly who they are, because I have told them how they have impacted the world around them in such a positive way.  Ladies, you know who you are, and I want to say, "I honor you".

A Call for Photos

Ok ladies, you've inspired me.  The word "inspire" and "inspiration" gets thrown around a lot on my blogs.  I don't use it lightly.  I've looked around me, and ladies, you are amazing!!!  I know some of the most inspiring, amazing, world-changing women.  I am honored to be surrounded by such people, and I want to honor you.  Please send me photos of yourself to be featured in an upcoming post.  I am putting together a slideshow of the superstars of our sex.  You can email your pictures to me at smeea5@yahoo.com to be featured in a near future post.  Let's let the world know who you are, what you do, and the HUGE impact you have on our world.

2010 Draws to an End

I will probably get flack for this post.  I usually try to keep things very positive.  Can I tell you how many people over the last two years have told me how inspiring I am?  If I had a dollar for every time someone has said that, I could pay my January mortgage with the proceeds.  There are times, like now, where I wish I could inspire myself.

The reality is that this has been a dog crap year.

OK, let me focus on the positive.  AnnaSophia is healthy and showing no signs of rejection.  Ethan and Emily are doing well in school.  Ethan even made the honor roll.  This is Emily's first full year in school after being home schooled, and she is doing really well too.  I have been able to keep some stability in the children's lives by being able to stay in our family home for now.  My dog loves me.  I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends who have been very supportive this year.  I have seen our Mended Little Hearts of Colorado Springs group take off and become an important presence in our community.  I have been able to volunteer with the American Heart Association and help make the Heart Heroes Gallery possible.

Then, there is the weight of the world that I carry on my shoulders daily. 

I'm going through a D-I-V-O-R-C-E. 

Can I be frank here?  Divorce sucks.  It rocks your world.  I have felt like I have had the rug pulled out from underneath of me, and I'm free falling through life.  It hurts people emotionally, physically and financially.  Most of all it hurts children.  It's one thing for people without children to deal with all of the garbage associated with the death of a marriage.  It's devastating to see the effects of it on my children.  When they hurt, I hurt.  I carry that hurt every waking and sleeping moment. 

I don't sleep--at least not much.  I don't eat--well sometimes.

Rabbit Trail:  My friends love talking to me about food.  I LOVE FOOD!  Good food is one of the great joys of life.  Friends and I would talk about recipes we've tried and ones we want to try.  Ethnic, gourmet or rocking kid food--it's all good.  I was told today that I don't talk about food anymore.  I'm disappointing my friends.  How sad is that???  Oh appetite, where have you gone???  The reality is, the more stressed I am, the more I don't have an appetite.  I have nicknamed myself the "incredible shrinking woman".  I just had to take in the waist of my size 4 jeans.  I'm not proud of this people.  It's sick.

I'm not always a stressed out mess of a person.  I have learned to fake it for my kids sake, and the most amazing thing happens.  I find real joy in some of those moments I started out pretending with.  Hugs are freely given in my home.  Silliness abounds.  The day after Christmas I spent with the children making friendship bracelets with Emily, playing Polly Pockets with AnnaSophia and having a killer Nerf dart gun vs. marshmallow shooter battle with Ethan.

It's the quiet moments that are the worst.  I don't mind being alone, but I don't like feeling lonely.  It's times like 3am when I wake up and can't get back to sleep that are hard.  I've found crying in the shower is good and cleansing--and I don't have to worry about messing up my makeup.  See, there is a silver lining.  What's so hard?  It's the reality that I'm walking the path of raising my children alone that is scary and sad.  I worry about how in the world am I going to parent three children if AnnaSophia rejects, and we have to live in Denver for 6 months.  Will I be able to pay my bills?  Will I find a good paying job?  Will I lose my job when AnnaSophia gets sick?  Will I ever be able to take my kids on vacation?  What if AnnaSophia dies??? 

I know I shouldn't let my mind go to these places.  It's really the by-product of loneliness.  It's the by-product of realizing that I carry the life and death of my child all on my shoulders--alone.  I've actually had someone tell me that a man would be crazy to take on me and my children.  Wow!!!  That hurt.  It didn't hurt for me, but for my children.  My kids are NOT a liability, but this just goes to show you how the rest of the world perceives my life.  Wow, three kids, two with special needs...heavy.  That's a lot.  It's not normal.  Frankly, it would take a very special man who would want to stick around to be a part of that life.  So, I guard my heart and my children with concrete walls, 25 feet thick.

Expectation:  To look forward to something with great anticipation.

Most people look forward to celebrating New Years Eve and ringing in the New Year.  Folks tend to look back on the previous year with 20/20 hindsight and look forward to the New Year with great anticipation and expectation that the New Year will treat them well.  Maybe Eeyore new something the rest of us didn't.  If you don't have great expectations, then you can't be disappointed...right?  I know I sound a little bah humbug, especially for a "glass half full" kind of girl.  I'm just in a funk.  I'm waiting for things to get better.  The process of divorce is like slow, painful torture designed to make all parties miserable. 

Maybe I shouldn't wait for things to get better, but take an active roll in pursuing "betterness" and happiness.  As a matter of fact, that sounds like a good plan for 2011.  The upside of divorce:  I don't have to live in a bad marriage.  The divorce will be final the beginning of 2011.  Woo hoo for me...I think.  I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to embrace this.  I think I will throw a party.  2011 marks a new start in my life.  It might just be me and my kids alone on this journey called life, but we will be together no matter what.  Through the tears, the sadness, the laughter, the silliness and the heartfelt moments, we will be together.  We will seek the good and trust that God will walk with us and provide through the tough stuff.  I will attempt to face 2011 with cautious optimism and pray that we will find our way through an uncertain future with the hope that we will discover joy along the way.

2011 blessings to you all.

Adventures of an Adrenaline Junkie

My mind is made up...I'm going to jump out of an airplane. I have never, EVER felt the need to jump out of an airplane before, but life changes, and I HAVE to do this.  Sometime in the year 2011, my best friend and I will do this.  I will probably pee my pants while skydiving, but I WILL do this.  I NEED to do this.

Why???  I'm not even sure why.  Since my life has changed, since my marriage fell apart, I have felt the need to do things that I haven't done in a very long time.  I need physical challenges...big time.  I feel better when I challenge myself physically and succeed.

I've softened over the years. I've lost touch with who I used to be.  In some respects, I've grown and matured a lot.  I have no regrets, but as I have navigated my way through divorce, I am rediscovering myself and who I am.  I used to have a fire in me.  Trust me, the fact that some of that has softened is a good thing.  But I've lost touch with that adventurous part of myself over the years, and in some respects, I have changed. 

Sometimes, change is good, but I think losing oneself isn't.  I'm not talking about, "I'm so tired, I don't know my name" kind of losing oneself.  Or, "I have no idea what day of the week it is" kind of losing oneself.  I'm talking about the deeper, sadder kind.  The kind of losing oneself where a part of you dies.

Before I was married, I was the extreme-mountain-bike-riding, double-diamond-mogul-skiing, no holds barred kind of girl.  I was working, going to college, and attending the police cadet academy--all at the same time.  I got to work out with and do training exercises with the SWAT team.  I knew my way around a firing range.  I mountain biked, skied, and hiked fourteeners.  I changed my own oil and spark plugs.  I could change a tire in no time flat--and not break a nail.  There was nothing I couldn't do.  When I got married, I owned the tool box.

I'm not saying I was a guy.  I was still pretty girly.  I was just very, very capable.  I've been a very independent person since I could walk and talk.  But...I like to dress up.  I like to shop.  I like to have tea parties with my girls.  And quite frankly, when life is getting you down, there is nothing that can make a girl feel better than a killer pair of new shoes and a pint of Haagen Dazs Chocolate Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.

After I got married, I grew in my faith.  I took a bible study in Biblical Femininity and embraced the unique and beautiful way that God created woman.  I learned that I needed to step back a little bit and leave some room for my new husband to lead.  I was used to doing everything on my own, and I was quite good at it, but then there were two of us.  God created man to lead his family, not for his wife to push him out of the way and do it all. 

Over the past 15 years, I spent 27 months of it pregnant and 29 months of it nursing my babies.  I spent close to a year of it sitting in hospitals with all three of my sick kids.  I cooked, cleaned, homeschooled and managed a home.  I volunteered at church.  But sadly, I forgot how to take time for myself.  I married a person who didn't like to hike, bike or ski--and he really didn't like firearms.  I started denying that part of myself, and reinventing myself into something that fit in this different box.

When my marriage fell apart, I didn't know who I was anymore...

I had sold my mountain bike.  I realized that I hadn't skied in 16 years, and I couldn't remember the last time I went hiking.  To combat some of the horrible emotions I was going through, I turned to the mountains.  When I started hiking, it was like I could breathe again.  I couldn't wait for my next opportunity to get there.

But, just run-of-the-mill hiking wasn't enough.  Sometimes, I would put my little one in the stroller and think to myself, "How long can I walk before my body gives out?".  I needed to push myself harder each time.  I would hike 9 miles...then go shopping.  Research shows that the brain waves of someone who is relaxing or daydreaming are the same as those of someone who is hiking.  It makes us feel good--and I could use a little bit more of that.

What I have found is that the more I push myself physically, the better I feel. 

I love the challenge!!!

The reality is that divorce is sometimes called "Crazy Time" for a reason.  I know people who have gotten tattoos, gone to bars to drink away their sorrows, and slept with anyone who moved.  Men buy motorcycles...women buy everything.  I can honestly say, that's not me.  Those options would make me feel worse as a person--not better.

For now, it's all about the adrenaline rush.  I am going to jump out of an airplane.  I used to hate roller coasters.  Now, I will conquer each one out there.  I will ski moguls again.  Fourteeners???  Bring it on!  Sometimes, a person needs to do things that make them feel alive again, and there is nothing better than adrenaline to do the job.   Crazy?  Maybe...but there is no better encouragement to a single mom than knowing you can conquer mountains all by yourself, because the reality for me is that I walk this path alone.  Alone is not bad, just daunting sometimes.  I have to keep going...I have three kids, all with unique personalities and challenges, who are relying on me.  Knowing that I can face personal physical challenges and succeed fills my tank and keeps me going.  It is the encouragement I need to show myself that I can do anything, in spite of the lemons life hands me at times.

Reflections from the Incline

Today, I hiked the Manitou Incline...or should I say the "Stairmaster From Hell"???  It was 3.25 miles of "kick-your-butt".  Well, half of that was "kick-your-butt", because the other half I spent coming down Barr Trail.  Here's the stats:  3.25 miles round trip, 2100ft elevation gain, 50% grade in some places...and just so you know, some people die on the incline.  There are stories of people dying of heart attacks up there!  Glad I didn't know about that before I hiked it.  I consider myself to be in pretty good shape.  I lift weights several days a week, do cardio training, walk and hike.  Two weeks ago, I hiked a 9 mile loop at Spruce Mountain.  It wasn't technically hard at all, just long--and it felt great!  The incline?  Bring it on baby!!!

Well, today I apparently felt the need to hurt myself physically.  This was my first time hiking the incline, and boy did I feel like a wimp!  There were people hoofing it without stopping.  These were the serious "incliners".  You can pick them out right away.  They are decked out in gortex and spandex with backpacks and hydration packs.  The muscles in their legs are bulging like they are ready to explode, and they are dripping in sweat.  They don't talk, uh, can't talk, because they are breathing so hard.  Then there was me.  I was wearing my typical hiking attire: jeans, sneakers, upper body layers (tank top, light wool sweater, fleece jacket), sunglasses, water bottle (well, this time I brought Vitamin Water.  More on this mistake later.)  Everyone thought I was either a tourist or an "incline virgin". 

 About a quarter of the way up, I was wondering if this was such a good idea, but when I commit to something, I like to follow through.  I had already stopped to catch my breath several times, and was sipping on my Vitamin Water.  I thought to myself, "It's just the altitude getting to me, because my legs are in great shape, and they don't even hurt."  Several people continued to pass me up, including a lady wearing a T shirt that had the words "This is cheaper than therapy" printed on it.  Amen sister!  That's why I can't wait to get in the mountains and hike.  This was the motivation I needed to continue on.

A third of the way up, I was huffing and puffing hard.  I was sweating and now had my sweater and fleece tied around my waist.  I couldn't seem to catch my breath, but my legs were still holding up great.  I continued to sip on my Vitamin Water.  Normally, I hike with a bottle of water, but today, I thought I might need the sugar and vitamins that this other drink would provide.  Honestly, it wasn't tasting too good at this point, but I knew it was important to keep hydrated, so I sipped away.  I reminded myself to look down and enjoy the view.  I now realized that there were people who thought it might be "fun" to hike the Incline, who later realized that this was not such a good idea.  Not me!  I can handle this.  I hike all the time, and I'm very physically fit.  (Laugh, laugh, laugh.)

Half way up, I had an "OH CRAP, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?" moment.  I was sweating from places I didn't know I could sweat from.  My chest hurt, my legs hurt and I couldn't catch my breath.  I was thirsty, but the Vitamin Water made me feel like I was going to puke.  All I could think at this point was, "Oh God, oh God, please don't let me throw up in front of these other hikers on the incline!".  It was a moment of pure panic.  I've never felt panicked hiking before--ever.  I looked down.  I looked up.  I realized that there were two options.  Hike back down...well, in the state I was in, it would have been more like tumble my way down.  And yes, I saw a lady loose her footing and fall.  This option spelled FAILURE.  I couldn't do it.  When I commit to something, I follow through, no matter if it's going to kill me or not.

Oh wait...Rabbit Trail:  This was just like therapy!!!  Wow!  I was going to stick it out in my marriage, because of the commitment.  My marriage was killing me.  I realize that now.  But I made a commitment, and I was going to follow through--no matter what.  I just learned something about myself.  Whew!  That was amazing!  This was cheaper than therapy.

So, quitting was not an option.   I had to finish, and I decided that I was going to just take it slow.  I sat down to catch my breath, and watched two young college girls hike up.  One was wearing a pair of shorts that said "Lifeguard" on them.  The other girl was wearing spandex.  They laughed and talked their way up.  I overheard them talking about men and dating.  They reminded me of myself 20 years ago.  I liked them.  By the time they reached me, we were talking and laughing, and I came to find out that this was their third time hiking the incline.  Each time, they were able to shave 10 minutes off their time.  Girl power...I like it.

At this point of the incline, I realized that we were all part of an exclusive "Incline Club".  Everyone is encouraging each other.  The heavy crowds at the bottom have dispersed.  This is about a personal challenge for each person.  I am hands and feet scrambling in some places now.  The conditions were awful.  I keep hearing heavy breathing behind me.  It sounds like someone is two steps behind me, and breathing really, really heavily.  I keep looking behind me, but the closest person is about half a football field away.  It couldn't possibly be that person that's breathing so heavy, right?

A middle aged man is hiking with his teenage son.  The son is walking several steps ahead of his dad with a spring in his step.  He stops to wait for his dad every so often.  His dad is struggling up the incline.  This was the heavy breather!  I could hear him forever away.  Now that he was getting closer, I felt kind of bad for the guy.  All I could think was, "Please don't collapse.  Please don't have a heart attack.".  If this guy needed CPR, I didn't have enough breath for the both of us. 

Finally, the top was in sight.  My two college girls were sitting at the top catching their breath.  As I took the last few steps to the top, they started clapping for me.  I couldn't help but laughing, and yes, I deserved the applause.  As soon as I reached the top, they asked me if I wanted to RUN down Barr Trail with them.  "You girls are a whole lot younger than me.  I'm going to sit and ponder life for awhile.  You go ahead without me."  How pathetic was that?  I'm old now.  My chest hurt, my legs felt like rubber, I was soaking wet with sweat and what I wouldn't have given for a bottle of plain water.  The Vitamin Water tasted like syrup.  It was just grape flavored yuck.  The point was I MADE IT!!!!  Woo hoo for me!

A view from the top



 If I made it down alive from this "hike from Hell", I swore to myself that I wouldn't ever do this again.  I got up and started down Barr Trail.  One word: Scree.  Scree is the loose gravel on top of granite so often found in the Colorado Rockies.  It's like stepping on ball bearings on a bowling alley.  I am slippery surface challenged.  Great, just great!  I have little to no muscle control over my legs at this point, and now I have to maneuver my way down a slope of scree.  Thankfully, there was no one around, because I looked like a complete idiot as I grabbed onto unsuspecting saplings in an attempt to slow down my descent.  Once I was past the scree, I actually started enjoying myself.  This was my kind of hiking.  The scenery was beautiful, the path was well maintained, and I could finally catch my breath.  Oh yeah, I'm soaking with sweat and now I'm getting really, really cold.  Ok, time to jog. 

I was so impressed with the little fences around the hiking path.  It was so well maintained.  Now, I realized that they are "guard rails", just like the kind you see next to the interstates.  The purpose is to keep people from tumbling down the winding mountain trail.  Why???  Because, people like me trip over rocks, because their legs are all rubbery from hiking the stupid incline.  The guard rails saved me several times, and thankfully, no one was present to see my stupid little mishaps down the trail.  I finally reached the parking lot!  Oh thank God!!!  Thank you God!!!  I made it!  I got in my car, guzzled a bottle of water and started driving home.  At that point the craziest thing happened.  I had this crazy thought that I wanted to hike the incline again sometime.  WHAT????  Had I lost my ever-loving mind????  Yes, I had.  It's the same feeling I got after hiking a fourteener.  It's addictive.  One day, I will do this again.  Next time, I will train harder beforehand, but there will be a next time.



Life begins at 40

Or so I've been told many times lately. 

I've also been told, "It's all down hill from here".

 On October 6th of this year, I joined the exclusive Over-40 Club. 

I've been dreading this for awhile now.  I think the buildup is worse than the actual event, especially when friends are so kind to offer their wheel chairs, walkers, etc.  The specific rundown on these kind gifts has been:

wheel chairs, walkers, bifocals, oxygen, Aspercreme, adult diapers, Snuggies, shower caps, Metamucil, Craft-O-Matic beds and Life Alert. 


I woke up on the day of my birthday...and coffee tasted the same.  I think I still looked the same.  I felt pretty much the same, although a little fatigued as one of my friends had to call at midnight to be the first to wish me "Happy Birthday".


I've had people graciously tell me that I look good for 40...whatever that means.  THANKS...I think.  What are 40 year old women supposed to look like?

Today, someone told me that I'm not "old" till 50.  Does that make me officially "middle-aged"?  Other 40 year old women have told me that 40 is the new 30.  Really???  I loved my thirties!!!  This is great news for women who are 40--except for the fact that I think all of the 40 year old women made up this new rule all by themselves.

The great thing about my 30's was that I was an adult in my own right.  20 year olds--especially young 20 year olds--are barely adults.  As a 30 year old, I was finally respected by other adults.  A 30 year old has some life experience and wisdom under her belt.  I didn't feel old at all.  Physically, I was in great shape.  I felt like a "grown up" in the best sense of the phrase.

If 40 is the new 30, then clearly life gets even better...right???  I can say that I definitely have more knowledge and wisdom under my belt now.  I have a broader understanding of how the world works.  I am more patient and can see the big picture better now than I ever could.  Life experience has also made me less judgemental.  Less judgemental in the sense that I have more grace for people now than before. 

I think we could all use and give a little more grace--especially to those young "whippersnappers" who think they know everything.

I survived turning 40, and life is good.  Maybe, just maybe, life does begin at 40.  I'll keep you posted.

Perspective

There are times when life has been tough lately.  I have felt emotionally beat up.  Some mornings, the love I have for my children is the only things that keeps me going.  That's when God puts something or someone in my life that gives me perspective.

Perspective:  How we look at the world.  Our outlook.

It can be good, or it can just plain stink.  Remember hearing about the glass analogy?  Do you look at this glass of water as being half full or half empty?  The positive person would say it's half full.  The negative one would say it's half empty. 

I've always been a "glass half full" kind of person.  I like to smile, laugh and surround myself with generally positive people.  My faith has helped me to see the positive in even the hardest situations.  I look for God's purpose and plan in the difficult circumstances.  How is He attempting to refine me?  The difficult circumstances can shape us into better people, if we allow God to work His purpose in our lives.

I have to honestly say that I've been in a funk.  Divorce can do that to a person.  It can make one question his or her choices, worth and future.  I have felt as though I'm on an emotional roller coaster.  One moment, I'm joyful and feeling positive about everything.  The next moment, I'm crying over the littlest thing.  The next moment, I'm wanting to beat the stuffing out of a pillow till there's nothing left.  (Or walk 6 miles--fast, or shovel a giant pile of mulch--vigorously, or move a large pile of sizable river rock--furiously, etc.)  Sorry for the rabbit trail, but you get the picture.

The reality is that we can allow difficulties to destroy us, and make us angry, bitter and negative.  OR, we can work through the emotions, grow, learn and become the kind of people who change the world.  Maybe our circle of influence is confined to our family.  Maybe our purpose is to influence the world on a greater scale.  This can only happen if we are secure in our identity.

Identity

I'm not talking about surface identity.  Daughter, husband, mother, friend, co-worker, etc.  This is not about our skewed picture of how we see ourselves.  I'm talking about our identity in God's eyes.  How does God see us?  Some of you are blessed enough to have people in your lives who see you how God sees you.  Hopefully, some of you are married to a spouse who loves you and sees you the way Jesus does.  What an amazing gift to be loved with that kind of love!  In order to have a positive perspective, it is essential to know who you are in Christ.

Nick Vujicic is one of those amazingly inspiring people who helps us to gain perspective.  His upbeat, positive energy is contagious.  Nick was born without limbs--no arms or legs.  He talks about his struggles, and how the love of Jesus has transformed his life.  He reminds us that no matter what our circumstances in life, God will always be there to walk us through our trials.  His message is amazingly powerful.

I needed to see this video more than I realized.  It's amazing how easily we can lose our perspective.  Sometimes all we need is someone to remind us about our purpose, our identity, and that yes, God is here to walk us through whatever trials we may face.  You can check out more of Nick's story here.  Hopefully, this video will affect you greatly, and like me, help you to gain perspective.

Blessings.

Rabbit Trails and Detours

New times require new blogs.

My original blog, AnnaSophia--God's Miracle has been a wonderful tool to keep family and friends updated on my daughter's medical journey.  AnnaSophia was born with life-threatening heart defects which eventually led to her need for a heart transplant.  Over time, the blog evolved, containing not only medical updates, but updates on the entire family.  I wrote about my very personal thoughts as it related to watching AnnaSophia struggle to live and the challenges that our family faced. 

As our lives began to settle down, I became passionate about letting the world know that congenital heart defects (CHD's) are the number one birth defect in the world.  It kills more children than all childhood cancers put together.  I needed to let the world know about CHD's like I needed air to breathe.  AnnaSophia's blog will continue with updates about the children and, of course, information about congenital heart defects, but sometimes I've felt the need to write things that are "off topic".

That leads me to Rabbit Trails and Detours.

Rabbit trails typically have a negative connotation.  Most people see these paths as a waste of time, but I am optimist.  I love rabbit trails! Well, let me clarify.  Most people don't like being led away from the topic at hand, only to realize that it led them nowhere.  What I love are the unplanned little mental meanderings that lead me to new information, unexpected enlightenment or simply a wonderful laugh.  Rabbit trails are those thoughts that temporarily take over my mind, steering me away from my current thought process to an unexpected little mental vacation.  Sometimes there is treasure at the end of a these paths, and no matter how hard I try, I find myself hopping happily down a rabbit trail.

Detours.  Life is full of them.  We might have an idea of what our life will be like, but then there are circumstances that temporarily change our direction.  Sometimes detours take us down a different path, but to the same end.  Other times, detours can change the entire landscape of our life.  I've found myself taking a detour from what I originally envisioned my life to be.

After 15 and 1/2 years of marriage, I find myself walking down the path of divorce.  Divorce is the death of a marriage.  Death requires grieving, and I have grieved...deeply.  Divorce can be like an all-consuming wildfire that devours everything in its path.  So often I find myself trying to quench the flames of destruction, protecting my children like some crazed mama grizzly bear. 

Even though this is not how I envisioned my life to be, I have confidence in knowing that God knew this would happen.  He's led me through worse times of pain and uncertainty.  Like a forest that has been burned by wildfire, there comes a time when new growth appears and the soil is richer.

Divorce has caused me to re-evaluate my life and look at my future differently.  My goals are different now.  My reason for living is different now than when I was married.  My hope for my children is that God will take their wounded hearts and heal them.

Rabbit Trails and Detours.  A new blog for my new life.  My desire is that we will find treasure down our rabbit trails and companionship on the detours.  And please, if there is a rabbit trail or detour that you would like to see me write about, please let me know.

Blessings.